The Substitute
by The Creatress
Summary: During PoA, Snape taught DADA for a while...as if he would teach two subjects as once. HA! So, Dumbledore's arranged a sub...who Mione once crushed on...can you say Lockheart? Jealous Snape, confused Mione, Lockheartbashing galore!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I can't believe there's one for every fic n chapter… I don't own them…

xXxXx

Creatress: Hi all!! Wrote this one while I ran into a writer's block on IMS, Some Things Never Change – Ever, and this really snazzy TMRGW I was working on –

Sev: I read it, it was great – it was more of an SSHG than a TMRGW.

Creatress: Yeah – I don't know how that happened… One moment, Voldemort wants to hurt Ginny by hurting one of her friends, and the next he's giving Mione to Sev… Okay, I can see how that works, but you would think that I would've thought that a crucio or two would have done the trick…

Mione: Haha, we're everywhere…

Sev: We're engraved into your brain. You just can't get rid of us.

Creatress: You'd think working on some other ship would give the SSHGness a break for a while, but no…

Mione: Nope…

Creatress: So, I'm going to do an SSHG where Hermione's the one who gets the Half Blood Prince's book and makes an extraordinary potion that … caused problems, let's say…

Sev: Interesting.

Creatress: Well… Creating extraordinary potions… Opening secret chambers… Interesting things happen when young Gryffindor girls get their hands on books of older Slytherin males…

Sev & Mione: …

Creatress: Funny, that's exactly how Tom & Gin reacted… Anyways, just read this first…

xXxXxXx

The Substitute

It was the boy-who-survived-Riddle's-attack-because-his-mum-loved-him's third year. Shut up, we all thought it… Anyways, the DADA professor, Remus Lupin, had to take certain days off every month, and the Potions Master substituted his classes. Why Snape? Because who else could do it?

"You want me to substitute?" Snape asked Dumbledore.

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes."

"For defense against the dark arts?"

"Yes."

"As in, teach two classes for a week, every month until those dunderheads finally push Remus Lupin to quit in a fit of insanity?"

Dumbledore braced himself a little. "Yes."

"No."

Dumbledore sighed. "What can I offer to make you accept?"

Snape shrugged. Instead of answering, he eyed the older man. "You realize you would not be having this problem if you'd just given me the job in the first place?"

Dumbledore sighed again. "Yes, yes, I know – but you find another Potions Master good enough to teach your subject."

"Flattery never got anyone anywhere," came the curt reply. Though it was true – Potions Masters/Mistresses who were good enough, not only to teach the subject, but take care of all of Hogwarts' potions-related problems were hard to come by.

Also, Dumbledore didn't feel like telling the man in front of him, but after everything that happened during the first wars with Voldemort, he didn't feel like risking putting Snape in a position where he might lose him in a year – not because he was afraid of losing Snape to the dark side, it was just that he was afraid of losing Snape, period. He'd instated Lupin into the position because he thought he found a loophole in the jinx – no man can have the job for more than a year. Lupin was a werewolf. But it was a weak argument, and Dumbledore knew it – Remus Lupin was more of a man than certain other males he could name, even during the time of the full moon. But a headmaster could hope, right?

"Okay, how about this," Dumbledore said. "You teach Remus' subject, and I'll get somebody else to substitute for you in your class?"

Snape thought about it for a second. He wondered why Dumbledore wouldn't get someone to directly substitute in for Lupin…

"The only person I have in mind wouldn't fare well as DADA professor, I'm afraid," Dumbledore suddenly quipped, seeming to read Snape's mind.

Snape shrugged, carelessly. "Fine, then, you have a deal. Would that be all?"

Dumbledore nodded, a little stiffly, but Snape didn't pay him any attention and left, robes billowing out behind him (or else it wouldn't be a proper exit, now would it?).

xXxXxXx

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Hermione Granger and Parvati Patil glanced at each other for a second before breaking out into a run. The two and Lavender had been walking down to Potions when Lavender had grabbed Hermione's book and run ahead as a joke. Not really feeling like running, especially since they were early, Hermione had just smiled and shrugged and walked leisurely along, with Parvati at her side. And then, they heard Lavender scream.

The two girls raced down to the dungeons. Having on better shoes, Hermione got there first. "Lav, are you alright?! What happened?!" Hermione rushed to Lavender, who was, though quite red and leaning against the wall for support, seemed to be okay. She looked at Hermione earnestly when she saw her.

"OhgodMionetheprofessor," she gasped.

Hermione eyed her, concern melting away. "What?" she asked.

"The… professor…" Lavender managed, nodding toward the Potions' room door.

"Professor Snape?" Hermione asked again, some of the concern rushing back. "What happened to him?"

"He… He must be sick or something," Lavender breathed.

There was a loud gasp. The two girls looked up to see Parvati jump away from the door, which was open a crack and stumble back. She turned, excitedly toward them. "Oh, my God! Lavender…Hermione…" She speechlessly. She gestured toward the door. "The Professor…!"

Curiosity getting the better of her, Hermione walked past her two dumbfounded friends and threw the door open, bracing herself for whatever she may see – an injured Snape, a dead Snape – whatever it was, she promised herself that she wouldn't be shocked _speechless_.

And she wasn't.

"Professor Lockheart!"

xXxXxXx

Sev: WHAT?!?! #$&#$ #$ #&$( (#$&!!! LOCKHEART?!?!

Creatress: Well, he hadn't fared well as a DADA teacher…

Mione: (blinks at chapter) Woah…

Sev: 'Woah?!' What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

Creatress: (snickers)

Mione:… (grins) Jealous, Sev?

Sev: (snarls and stomps out)

Creatress: (tries to say something, but finds it too hard and falls over laughing)

Mione: Creatress, come on…

Creatress: (gets up and starts snickering) OoOoOo… Sevvie-kins has competition…


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I can't believe there's one for every fic n chapter… I don't own them…

XXxXx

Creatress: I'm sorry to say that Sev and Mione won't be joining me today… Sev's off sulking and being moody, and Mione's trying to cheer him up. It was sad – they were arguing and I really wanted them to go at it here, so that we can hear their positions and stuff, but no… Well, not really… As you'll shortly read, they have others arguing here for them… (groans and covers her ears because of the noise)

Gin: I don't know what he's going on about! I mean, she was only bloody 12 –

Tom: Twelve?! Remember what you were doing when you were 12?!

Gin: Oh, God, not this again… Why are Slytherin men so bloody possessive?!

Tom: We wouldn't be – if the Gryffindor girls we're with aren't always fawning and doting over "heroes" who just got lucky in the first place!

Creatress: Stop, stop!! This is a bloody SSHG, don't go and – how they hell did you two get in here, anyway?!

Tom: The same way Snape and Granger managed to wriggle into our fic… (Gin nods)

Creatress: … I'm not even going to comment …

xXxXxXx

"Professor Lockheart?!"

Lockheart looked up from Snape's desk and grinned at her. "Good to see you, Miss… Um… ?"

Hermione stared at him. His blonde hair was combed back in its usual style, he was wearing long yellow robes, and his teeth shone as always. She then looked around the room. It was… more colourful, than usual… With pictures of Lockheart, and posters advertising various books.

Hermione frowned a little – after waking up in the infirmary the previous year, Harry and Ron had confirmed what she had already suspected – that Lockheart was a fraud. It was something that she had figured out while trying to find out what was down in the Chamber of Secrets – incidentally, the same book that led to her figuring out that half of what he said about trolls can't be true was the same one that gave her the final piece of the puzzle (that basilisks can't stand roosters). … It was a very useful book…

Hermione eyed him, warily. "What happened to Professor Snape?"

"He won't be able to make it to class for a few days, so I'll be filling in," Lockheart said, brightly. "Now… your name, Miss?"

Oh, so his memory wasn't fully back yet… "Hermione Granger."

Lockheart frowned for a second. "I remember that name…"

Hermione raised her eye-brows. "You do?"

Lockheart nodded. "You… You made me nervous a lot, though I can't seem to remember why."

Hermione was puzzled. "Nervous?"

Lockheart shrugged. "My memory's not fully back yet. Why don't you take your seat and we'll wait for the rest of the class to arrive? In the mean time, would you like an autograph?"

Hermione sat down and shook her head. "I don't have any of your books with me," she muttered as an excuse.

Lockheart grinned, brightly and gave her a pointed look. "Well, you'll have to get one soon, won't you?" He proceeded to talk about his latest book and the one he may be working on after that.

Hermione managed a weak smile, and glanced at the door, which was now closed. She didn't like being alone with him. For some reason, it made her highly uncomfortable – where the hell were Lavender and Parvati?! Sighing inwardly, she turned back to Lockheart.

About a few minutes later, Hermione heard the door swing opened and slam against the wall and she froze. Only one person entered like that… Lockheart noticed, too. He looked up as Hermione spun around.

Severus Snape, who had come in with a mildly negative expression, scowled fully when he saw the two. "What the hell is happening here?!" he snapped, eyeing Lockheart with contempt. He turned and glared at Hermione. "So…" His voice was low. Angry, mad, I'm-pissed-off-get-the-hell-out-of-my-way low. "You're learning_… _from _him_."

Lockheart and Hermione couldn't respond… How does one respond to that?

Snape eyed the chalkboard. "I knew that handwriting wasn't mine when I walked in here earlier…" He turned back to the two in the room. "How long has this been going on?!"

She didn't know why Snape was acting this way and she certainly didn't know why she was reacting, but Hermione suddenly felt nervous and guilty. She gulped, wondering what Snape was going to do. He looked ready to murder.

Almost seeming to read her thoughts, Snape rounded on her. "What, I don't teach well enough for you?!" he snapped.

Hermione shook her head. "What?! No – Professor, you're a great teacher… Umm…" Not knowing what to say, she looked around the room and caught sight of the clock. "You're, err… Here early…"

Snape snarled. "My apologies," he snapped, sarcastically. "By all means, finish!" His eyes scanned over the room. He shook his head and looked at them in disgust. "In my own classroom!" he snapped. And he left, slamming the door behind him.

xXxXx

Creatress:…So… Don't you two have anything to say?

Tom: … What the hell …

Gin: Yeah…

Tom: Severus is on his own, I'm out of here.

Gin: Yeah, so's Mione, that was just weird…

Creatress: Send the other two back on your way out!

Tom and Gin leave, nodding.

Creatress: … it was not wie - … (is drowned out by Severus yelling)

Sev: (walking in) - pin, Flitwick, Hagrid, Quirrel, Moody, Slughorn - what about them then?!

Creatress: Oh, God, please don't tell me you just said what I thought you just said…

Mione: (who'd just come in) (glares at him) You forgot Karakoff, he was around for a while, wasn't he?!

Sev: That is _it_ – I'm leaving! (leaves, slamming door behind him)

Mione: (collapses into a couch and starts wailing)

Creatress: Dude, this isn't funny anymore… You the readers have the power to change this sadness by REVIEWING!!!


End file.
